Let me start with a little background of myself. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy when i was young (7-9) under control now. There were times when i was ... I never thought my life was going anywhere because of my condition. I never had very many friends because i didn't feel like id be accepted had anything of happened while together. So i didn't have friends really. Not that i had a bad time growing up. My parents made me feel ashamed of what i had.... that if anything happens people wouldn't understand and get what was happening. But it was a different... time back in the 80-90s. Oh i was born in the 83 btw.
I never really was a great at high school.... i played sports (hockey, soccer, football) just to keep me out of trouble. After high school I went into college... graduated with really great marks. I guess i blossomed in college. I was open and had some friends there.... but not really... they just mooched of of me for my knowledge.
I met my now wife..... and this is where all the real things happen. I graduated. She graduated. We got engaged for 6 yrs... married... uh now for 2-3..... My anxiety is getting the better half of me. It is triggering feelings like when i was young of seizures. Some days i dont feel great and have some some days i dont. very small. There was half a year i had my license revoked... and another where i gave myself a black eye. The anxiety and heat was really making me feel bad.
I dont feel like i am .... I dont feel like my wife deserves to have a husband who is like me. To have to worry about whether i can drive. Worry if i am ok. Worry about if we have children whether she can take care of me and a child. That I wouldnt be able to help her at all with a child.
The more i think about it, it makes me think that perhaps its better that we dont have a child so she doesnt have an obligation to me. That if anything she can leave me with no problems.
i never thought i would even get married to be honest. I never thought anyone would... understand and love me even with the problems of epilepsy... anxiety and maybe even depression? im not sure about the second two...... but im epileptic for sure lol. i never thought on the worst day that id have a seizure and she would stay with me, but she has. She even stayed with me during a really bad one..... and calmed me down.
So ..... I feel like i am pulling her and her potential down. Not having to worry about certain things. Living a normal women's life. looking forward to a normal family. Not worrying about anything. This is even hard to type. Its stupid but im even tearing up right now.
A normal....... an epileptic tearing up at 36 years old.
Why cant i just be normal.