Having surgery Sept 2nd

I was a heavy meth addict for 15 years of my life. I got clean on July 28th, 2003. I just celebrated 5 years clean on 7/28 and thought that once I quit doing drugs, my health was going to be just fine. Two years after getting clean my past was catching up to me. I know that there is consequences for my previous lifestyle. But wow, this is a big one.

Wow. I'm scared. I am a 39 year old male. I started having grand mals in January 2006. I was put on meds and then lost my job and my insurance ran out. I stayed on medication for about 2 years. I continued to have small "events" which caused a weird aura and then a slight laughing event that effected the left side of my face and shoulder. I never took it seriously, though. In September of 2007 I got insurance and started to see a neurologist. He recommended having some inpatient video-eeg tests done at Swedish Hospital in Seattle. At worst I thought I would go in to the hospital and have a couple of "events" and they would figure it out from there. After about 48 hours of being off of my meds I started having grand mals. I had 2 seizures and was put back on my meds. I was allowed to watch the videos and even received a copy. Oh my gosh. It was horrifying. What a wake up call and reality check. I was put on a higher dose of meds to control the events and given the option for surgery. I thought about it for a day or so. I decided to go with the surgery because I can't handle the side effects of the 4,200 milligrams of meds that I am now on and besides, after about 2-3 weeks I build up a tolerance and start having events again.

I was originally scheduled for surgery on August 28th but 2 weeks before that they called and said that there was a scheduling conflict and had to  put it off until the 2nd. So for the last couple of weeks I have put myself into the thought that I was in before and not taking it seriously again. Until today. I got the phone call from the hospital letting me know that the pre-op and post-op papers were going in the mail today. She went on to tell me some of the important info and that was that. I hung up the phone. I broke down and could instantly feel myself slipping into depression.

I know I seem to be rambling, but I have to get this out. I have a couple of close friends that tell me that they would be scared to death. But I know someone on this sight can relate.

I don't know how to feel. I'm scared. I try to tell myself to deal with it. I did it to myself. But I look at my 4 kids (all boys!) and know that I NEVER want them to witness me having a grand mal. I need to have the surgery. I have considered dealing with the medication side effects. I have thought of backing out of the surgery. I have read about surgerys that didn't help and all of the complications that some have had.

Anyways..... I could really use some success stories right now and to hear from someone that can relate.

Thanks for reading my rambling. 

Tony